if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize