the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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