ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
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