Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
