dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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