I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
