I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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