I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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