I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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