hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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