the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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