I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
