corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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