Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
