too bad you live with your parents still
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Fuck appropriateness.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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