I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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