I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
