i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
time to smoke my breakfast
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
