The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
