i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
