I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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