and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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