ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
