You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
