Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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