Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
