my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We need to get me chipped asap
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
