I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
