i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
