i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
