Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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