I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
