everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He shit in the fireplace
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