If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
