You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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