Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
