my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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