you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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