Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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