please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
