I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
