Soap is not a condiment
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
