i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
