I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
