I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
