as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
