Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize