peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
