woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
