i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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