looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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