I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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