That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
