just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
