nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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