I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
