im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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