i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
