This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
