Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
