Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
