Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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